S 635 01? "^ "■- 

Z9 '""^ 

8896 
opy 1 




How TO Get a 
Divorce 




IE DRAMATIC PUl 



JG COMPANY 



'■'i^m 




HOW TO GET A DIVORCE 



A FARCE IN ONE ACT 



BY 

FRANK IdUMONT 

AUTHOR OF "FALSE COLORS," "THE LADY BARBER," "THE 
CAKE WALK," ETC. 




TWO Qm\L^ nttitWEP 



CHICAGO 
THE DRAMATIC PUBLISHING COMPANY 



As performed by Dumont's Minstrels. 

CAST OF CHARACTERS. 

Judge Alimony Dave Foy. 

LAWYER Bleedem ( Divorce | % E. Murphy. 

Lawyer Fleecem j Lawyers. ] Chas. Turner. 

Officer OF the Court famesMcCool. 

J. M. Kene. 

Harry VoUmer. 

J. E. Dempsey. 

Merrill Rudolph. 

James Roy. 

Matt Wheeler. 
} Fred. Wilson. 



Mr. Mulligan . 
Mrs. Mulligan 

Mr. Younghusband... 

Mrs. Younghusband.. 

Mr. Easy 

Mrs. Easy.. 



Happy 

coup)les 

seeking 

separation. 



"The Baby" Joseph Perry. 

The Jury and other bits of judicial bric-a-brac. 
Plays fifteen minutes. 



Copyright, 1897, by the Dramatic Publishing Company, Chicago. 

Notice.— The professional acting rights of this play are reserved by 
the publishers, from whom written permission must be obtained before 
performance. All persons giving unauthorized productions will be 
prosecuted to the full extent of the law. This notice does not apply to 
amateurs, who may perform the play without permission, 



>722. 



HOW TO GET A DIVORCE. 



Scene.— PLAIN CHAMBER. 

Platform to represent judge s bench, behind which are three 
chairs for the judges. Two are occupied by Dummies. One 
a real dummy ^ the other a inan made up to represe7tt a dum- 
my. He is attired in suit too large for him, with straw pro- 
truding from the legs and arms and wearing a false face. He 
is always limp a7td lifeless throughout. Middle seat is left 
vacant for Jvi6.ge, At opening of scette a jury is discovered 
L. witness box R. C, witness box L. c, and court officer with 
club slyly smoking a cigar and keeping •' order " R. c. He is 
made up as an Irish Policeman. 

Officer. Order in the court, order in the Divorce Court. 
[Lawyer Fleecem enters l. i e., pocket full of documents. 
Bows to Jury and sits L. of table in front of Judges stand. 
Then enter 'L'^yr^^x Eleedem L. i '£.., very blustering. Bows 
to every body, '\ 

1az:w^^x B. Where's Judge Alimony ? 

All. Yes, where 's Judge Alimony ? 

Officer. Here comes the Judge. Hats off everybody. [Enter 
Judge Alimony L. i e. This character can be performed in 
Irish or German dialect. Judge bows to everybody. Takes 
his seat between the dummies and raps for order. He dis- 
covers that officer is smoking a cigar. "] 

Judge. How dare you smoke in here ? Throw away that 
cigar. [Officer throws butt of cigar C. Everybody scrambles 
for it, JvL^gegets it and returns to seat, triumphantly smoking 
?V.] What's the first divorce case on the docket ? 

Lawyer B. Mulligan versus Mulligan. 

Judge. Call Mulligan abuses Mulligan. [Officer skips over 
to L. E., and shouts in thick Irish dialect,'] 

5 



6 HOW TO GET A DIVORCE. 

Officer. Mulligan forninst Mulligan the Judge wants to see 
you, come into coort ! {Skips back to R. C. Mr. Mulligan ««</ 
Mrs. Mulligan, nn Irish couple enter y quarreling, L. i E.] 

Judge. Take the witness stand. 

Mulligan. Be dad and I will. [Grabs witness stand, and 
attempts to carry it off Ij. OfSicex seizes him, clubs him, and 
makes him replace it R. C. and get into it, Mrs. Mulligan in 
witness box L. c.J 

Judge. Who represents these Fenians ? 

Lawyer B. 1 represent Mrs. Mulligan. 

Lawyer F. I represent Mr. Mulligan. 

Mrs. Mulligan. I want a divorce, and I don't care how soon 
I get it. It's fashionable to get a divorce and 1 want one. If I 
don't get it I'll clean out this court room. 

Judge. Shut up ! 

Mrs. Mulligan. Shut up yourself. Don't talk to me, you old 
amadhawn ! If I don't get a divorce, I'll pull you off that perch, 
and dance on your neck, so I will. 

Mr. Mulligan. And she can do it. Judge, she's a holy 
terror. 

Mrs. Mulligan. Let me get at him ! {She tries to run across 
stage with witness box, to get at Mulligan. The Officer inter- 
poses to keep them quiet. Mulligan becomes excited and tries 
to attack Mrs. Mulligan. The court is in a7t uproar. Mrs. 
Mulligan reaches over and grabbing books, and papers, throws 
them at Judge and Lawyers. Then she scrambles put of 
witness box, and picks up a square box full of saw-dust, used 
as a spittoon — and flings the contents {sawdust) all over the 
Judge and Jury.] 

Judge. Put that woman out. Here's your divorce. Take 
it and get out. {Hands documents to Mrs. Mulligan.] 

Mrs. Mulligan. Thanks, your honor. I'll kiss you for that. 
{Climbs on table to reach Judge to kiss hitn, she is pulled 
away by Officer and hustled out L. i E. Officer then grabs 
Mulligan.] 

Officer. What are you making all this noise for ? {Clubs 
and hustles Mulligan out l. i e., then returns, and clubs some 
of the Jury tmtil Judge shouts to him to stop it, and go to his 
position. Judge then consults with the dummies, on his right 
and left.'] 

Judge. Call the next divorce case. 

Lawyer B. Mr. and Mrs. Younghusband. 

Lawyer F. I represent the wife. 

Judge. Call Mr. and Mrs. Younghusband. 



HOW TO GET A DIVORCE. 7 

Officer. [C] Mr. and Mrs. Freshhusband come into coort. 
[Skips back to R. c. Mr. and Mrs. Younghusband enter l. i e. 
Mr. y. goes to box R. c. Mrs. Y. into box l. c] 

Lawyer F. Your honor this is a most heart-rending case. 
The brutality of that man is something appalling. He has 
trodden upon that poor woman, starved her, and denied her 
anything to make life even bearable. 

Judge. \To husband. Oh, you villain, I wish I could reach 
you with this. [Tries to hit him ivith mallet. '\ Madam, tell 
your story to the jury. 

Mrs. Younghusband. Well, this man allows my mother to 
live with us and never murmurs. He buys me all the new 
dresses I need, and gives me all the spending money I ask for. 
He allows me to have my own way in everything, and tries to 
be loving and attentive at all times. He has never said a cross 
word to me since we were married. 

Judge. \To husband.'] Oh, you monster. 1*11 have you 
kicked to death by grasshoppers. [Tries to hit husband with 
mallet, then picks up a croquet ?nallet with long handle aiid 
comes near striking husband. To wife.] And he used to 
strike you and abuse you ? 

Mrs. Young. [Laughs?^ Oh, no. He didn't dare say his 
life was his own. 1 used to wipe the floor up with him. 

Judge. [To husband^ You son of a gun ! Oh you double 
dyed villain. Take him out in the jail yard and hang him ! 
Hang him — he isn't fit to live. To abuse that poor little angel ! 
Oh, you rascal. Get out of my sight. Officer, soak him good ! 
[Officer grabs husband-— clubs and thumps him savagely and 
throws him out L. i E.] Sweetest of your sex. Here's your 
divorce, [Gives paper.] 

Mrs. Young. Oh Judge, you are so kind — I'd like to kiss 
you ! 

Judge. I'll see you after court. [Hits dumtnies to his right 
and left with mallet and his hands.] What are you fellows 
laughing at ? I'll give her all the divorces in this court if I want 
to! 

Mrs. Young. Ta, ta ! Judge. [Throws kisses to him. 
Lawyers and officers all caper about flirting with her. Judge 
stands up — throws kisses to her, and hit dummies in his 
frenzy. Mrs. Y. flounces out throwing kisses to everybody. 
Officer in his excitemetit raps Lawyer B. over the head. Law- 
yer ^t^^'&va jumps and appeals to Judge.] 

Lawyer B. Your honor I've been struck. 

Judge. Sit down — sit down or I'll knock you down, [Aims 



8 HOW TO GET A DIVORCE. 

blow at Lawyer with mallet.'] It's mashing in this court. 
Officer ! keep quiet or I'll go down there and soak you good. 
What is the next case ? 

Lawyer P. Mrs. Easy who seeks a divorce from Mr. Easy. 

Judge. Well, that's easy. How much did you get out of 
it? 

Lawyer P. One hundred dollars. 

Judge. Whack up — or you don't get any divorce out of this 
court, [Lawyer demurs, but hands cash to Judge.] That's 
business- — now I'm with you. This court is not in the divorce 
business for fun. Bring in the burglars. 

Lawyer F. Not burglars, your honor. 

Judge. Oh, no ! I was thinking of you and the other liar. 
{To Officer.] Call Mr. and Mrs. Easy Street. 

Officer. [C.J Easy there and Easy here — come in the whole 
two both of yees. 

Enter Mr. and Mrs. Easy l. i e. Easy into box r. Mrs. Easy 
into box L. 

Lawyer F. This case calls for your tears, Judge, and for 
your tears. Jury. Here is a brute who never went away from 
home or refused his wife anything. He let her flirt with other 
men and never kicked. Oh, your honor ! words choke me — my 
heart is too full, I'm too full for utterance. 

Judge. I thought so. 

Lawyer F. I can only weep for her wrongs. {Cries.'] 
Grant her a divorce and give all the money this man owns to 
her. Oh your honor — this is sad — sad — very sad. [Lawyer 
cries— starts the Jury crying. The Officer cries. Mr, and 
Mrs. Easy cry. Then the Jud^e cries.] 

Judge. \To dummies.] Cry! you fellows cry! {Wipes 
their eyes with his 'kerchief. A general uproar of weeping 
follows. Officer wrings out 'kerchief in which there is a wet 
sponge concealed.] 

Lawyer F. It's pretty tough when a lawyer cries ! [Judge 
raps for order.] 

Judge. I give her a dozen divorces and as for that man — 
put him in prison tor one hundred and sixty years. If he dies 
before his time expires, his father will have to serve out his 
sentence. {Gives papers to "^X^, Easy.] There's a whole lot 
divorces for you, madam. 

Mrs. Easy. Who gets our little baby ? 

Judge. A baby ? Bring in the baby. 

Mrs. Easy. {Calling,] Come baby — come to mamma. \^A 
tall six foot man attired as a little girl runs in from L. i E. 



HOW TO GET A DIVORCE. 9 

and jumps into Mrs. Easy's arms. At this moment Mrs. 
Alimony enters L. i E. shouting " where is he ? "] 

Judge. Oh ! my wife ! [Trembles.] 

Mrs. Alimony. You're so free giving all these women 
divorces, now I want one myself. Come off that bench you big 
pudding-head ! [Knocks dowft Officer also Lawyers who seek 
to catch and hold her. She throws books, etc, a/ Judge. Then 
fires pistol at left hand dummy %uhich is pulled up by string 
at pistol shot. Judge comes down wrestling with the other 
dummy and throws it down C. and kicks it. Suddenly the 
du7nmy {Live man) jumps to his feet, knocks down Judge, 
Officer, Lawyers arid everybody within reach. Mr. and Mrs. 
Easy tvith the " baby " are at back, everybody trying to save 
themselves from Judge's wife who is tipping over chairs, 
tablet ^i<^'% <^^^ th^ animated dummy who is C] 

CURTAIN. 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 

llliliiiliillllilllii 

016 215 081 9 



PLAYS. 



BEING the largest theatrical booksellers in 
the United States, we keep in stock the most 
complete and best assorted lines of plays and 
entertainment books to be fonnd in this country. 

We can supply any play or book pub- 
lished. We have issued a 120-page catalogue 
of the best 1500 plays and entertainment books 
published in the U. S. and England. It con- 
tains a full description of each play, giving 
number of characters, time of playing, scenery, 
costumes, etc. This catalogue will be sent free 
on application. 

The plays described are suitable for am- 
ateurs and professionals, and nearly all of them 
may be performed free of royalty. Persons in- 
terested in dramatic books should examine our 
catalogue before ordering elsewhere. 

Thk Dramatic Pubi^ishing Company, 

CHICAGO. 



